How to love when you don’t feel like it

Let me share with you my compilation of best advise from ‘older wiser woman’ to me on how to love when you don’t feel like it and to plan ahead and remind yourself whenever the “wheels are falling off”.

This is as much a reminder to me as to anyone who might find it helpful. This journey of motherhood is tough, and very humbling, but we are in this together and I would love to be here for encouragement to anyone out there who needs it.

We are in this together.

A few reminders on how to love when you don’t feel like it and stay sane as a Mom of one or more Littles

Your morning starts the evening before

If you want to start well in the morning, you will have to do some kind of planning ahead.

• Take out clothes.
• Decide what time you will get up (don’t leave it up to yourself to decide in the morning).
• ‘Brain dump’ every thought on a piece of paper or a diary.
• Make sure to go to bed early enough to start your mornings with a full tank.

Be intentional with your time, it is precious

Time goes by every moment, every day. It does not give warnings. Time does not ask permission. It just disappear. If you do not intentionally focus on how you spend your time and just let it go by, life will happen to you, your life will pass without much worth and too late you will realise what you have missed. Grab on to each moment, be present, spend your time wisely and be grateful for every second.

Master your habits, or they will master you

This includes your thoughts, emotions. Just like with time, If you let it, it will follow its own course without you and thoughts and emotions uncensored can and will be destructive, hurting and even destroying wherever it lands. Usually those closest to you.

Good habits are so important, not just to you, but to teach to your children. Good habits will set them up for a well balanced life.

Doing the right thing is hard – doing the ‘easy’ thing is also hard

Getting out of bed is hard. Making healthy food choices are hard. Exercising is hard. Having a much needed difficult conversation with a loved one is hard. Saving up for something big is hard.

Think for a moment what is the opposite.

Staying in bed for ‘5 more minutes’ and being screamed at and jumping on by hungry, needy children, are hard.

Just eating everything you want might be instantly satisfying, but, in an hour you might feel bloated. Your blood sugar and mood might go up and down like a rollercoaster. Keep this up a few months and you will get heavier, self conscious, and uncomfortable, clothes doesn’t fit, and possibly have a weak immunity, feeling groggy all the time.

You can see where this is going.

Don’t expect to escape all difficulty

In this world we will experience hardships and trails. If we let it, it will help us to grow in maturity and and deepen our faith.

Don’t make yourself a marter

Use experience and advise to implement systems, routines and good habits that will help and serve you to make your home a safe haven for your family to escape from the craziness and cruelness of the world. Self-pity does not serve anyone, not even yourself.

Be grateful

• Sometimes it is 10seconds of quietness.
• Sometimes it is a moment that the kids play well together, or share toys or show kindness by themselves.
• Sometimes it is an unexpected meal delivered.
• Sometimes it is a kind and thoughtful message.
• Sometimes it is a beautiful sunrise or sunset.

STOP AND BE GRATEFUL!

Our lives are full of blessings, don’t miss it or take it for granted.

Intentionally watch your kids

Watch for something to smile at. A funny face, witty remark, childish saying, impersonation of you or your husband (try to write these down!)

If you don’t intentionally look for these things, they will escape you and you will only see the hard and difficult things about raising children.

Most importantly, before you know it, your children will outgrow that precious childhood innocence and carefree playfulness, and you will regret every moment missed.

Give credit where credit is due

Do you like feeling appreciated? Who doesn’t! Well, so does your children. If they help you or each other in any way, or being kind and loving, even if it is prompted by you, and especially out of own initiative. Take note! And compliment them. Let them know that that is behaviour that you like and more importantly that is good fruit of the spirit.

Laugh!

Try to laugh every day, at least once. Hard, from your stomach. It clears your head and gives you perspective like almost nothing else can.

When the wheels are coming off…

C’mon, let’s be honest. It happens to all of us. We are all human and have limited abilities and resources. It is important to admit that to yourself before you can take the next step, which is:

How to handle it better next time.

• Do a quick simple prayer for calmness, wisdom and self control (not for strength!) over your thoughts and emotions.
• Ask yourself, when did YOU last eat?
• Are the kids hungry, tired, have dirty nappies/rash, or do they just desperately need your attention? Drink a glass of water and grab a quick snack like apples or raisins for YOURSELF and the kids, and sit down for 10-15min with them. Read a book. Do a fun drawing together. Talk to them. Make eye contact, touch them with love. Let the baby crawl all over you. Let them fill their love tanks.
• After about 10-15min, redirect them to do something fun outside or give them play dough or something they can play independently. It probably won’t last too long, so now you need to move fast.
• Sit down and write down your most urgent priorities, not more that #3. Like ‘Put washing in the dryer.’, ‘make baby bottle.’, ‘Get some prepared dish in the oven to bake.’
• Write down your game plan up to the next down-time like the next meal or nap time.
• Do just what is needed, do not expect too much of yourself.
• Your down-time is coming.
• Prepare for the next time. Get to know your triggers. Ask yourself what happens leading up to when ‘the wheels are coming off’. Write down your feelings before, during and after. Then write down a game plan for when you can ‘detect’ that same feelings, do not let it build so far until the dam breaks.
• Then sometimes you just have to make the decision to love even when you don’t feel like it, by being patient, taking a deep breath and doing the next thing.

Be humble

When the worst has happened, you’ve lost it and modelled the worst possible example for your children. Be humble enough to go back and ask for an apology from them. This is exactly the reason why we need Jesus. We can’t do it by ourselves, and that is also important to teach our children. We and our children are in the same boat, on the same journey. There are no reason for us to try and keep up a certain ‘image’ or reputation that we are always right. Because we are not.

You can’t keep them happy, all the time

This was a very hard lesson for me, and I am still struggling almost daily with it. I so desperately want my children to be happy, I just try to give them all of myself. It is never enough. Not for small babies, not for children. Also not for your husband. You just end up being completely drained with screaming babies and nagging children around you, getting more and more desperate by the moment.

Always keep a reserve, never play your ‘Ace’ card.

Rather find the balance of serving in love, nurturing, let your body be an offer (as mothers that truly is what it is). But also know that you are not Jesus. Sometimes you won’t know how to get a baby to stop crying. Or physically don’t have the strength to keep carrying a toddler while being pregnant and make dinner, so they have meltdown right in front of you. In some situations we just have to take a step back, breathe, and pray and confess to God that you are not enough right now and desperately need Him to take over.

Then just do the next thing.

You are the adult, act like it.

You are a steward of your home, you are usually in control of meals, nap times, screen-time, free play. And you are in control (should be) of your emotions, thoughts and actions. Children are not. We can not expect them to be. We are responsible to TEACH them how to take responsibility, and slowly we can expect some degree of self control as is age appropriate. They do not have the experience that you have and also not the growth you hopefully have had in your lifetime. They will test you and push you to your limits. Do not take the bait. This an opportunity to exercise patience and loving unconditionally, even if you don’t feel like it.

Sync nap-time/quiet time

Some people does not believe that it is possible. In my experience, it is possible. You definitely have to be creative and notice new abilities and stages of children at different ages. When there is a new baby it is tricky for a few months, but for sure possible from about 6months to sync the mid-day nap. Why go through the trouble?

Silence is precious.

For the older kids that just have quiet time it is a very good skill to learn to be quiet and to be content with your own thoughts (no screens for them by the way, also no music).

For mom, this is precious time to get yourself together again, centre yourself, find your person, just relax. Maybe get a few things done that is difficult to do while the kids are awake. Read a book. Do a hobby. Or for heavens sake take a nap yourself! There is no shame in that.

Teach your kids responsibility

Have you ever seen their little faces lit up when you give them a ‘job’, and that is even before you said thank you! They absolutely love the feeling of being helpful. Also you give them worth in the family unit. Just think of your children as adults in the making. You can do THEM a favour by teaching and giving them age appropriate responsibilities, and after they completed it, tell them how much you appreciate their role and contribution in the family.

Your identity does not lay in your kids

Most likely this is not something you do intentionally. But so many mother say they loose their identity when they have kids. Their whole life is kids, kids, kids and dishes, cleaning, laundry. Morning to evening. That is exhausting. Draining. Leaving you feeling like you just have absolutely nothing left in the evening. I should know. I have been there, and I am still there some days.

Very good advice I read once was that sometimes when we feel so drained and tired, we actually are bored, not doing ‘too much’ like we think. We need a hobby or interest to put some fire in us and help us to get through the mundane, like changing diapers and rotating laundry or doing dishes. Find who you are again by following a block schedule and syncing nap-times, you will have time to spend on your favourite book or hobby again.

Steward what is given to you, let go what is not

Do you ever get frustrated because you feel out of control? I know I do. What we need to remind ourselves is that we where given stewardship in certain areas and expected to let go and trust God in other. We get frustrated when we turn this upside down and try to control what we literally CAN’T, and ironically let go the thing that we actually are responsible for.

Things we are responsible for:

• Our emotions
• Our thoughts
• Our actions
• The tone we set in our homes
• How you talk to, and about, your husband and children
• The rhythms and systems we have in our homes.
• Having order and decent hygiene and cleanliness in our homes.
• The food and meals we serve our families
• What time you go to bed in the evenings

Things we can’t control:

• Our husbands
• Our circumstances
• Our children’s reactions
• What others think of us

Teach yourself how to love when you don’t feel like it

“Follow your heart”. Such a common saying, and sounds so…mushy. But is it wise counsel?

Do not follow your heart. You must lead your heart. Read and memorise scripture that is applicable to difficult, repeating circumstances. Recite these verses in this moment to help you get through it with a good attitude.

Get fresh air as much as possible

Not meaning playdates. Just get outside and play, enjoy nature, get some sun. Praise God for His creation.

How to do it all

You can’t. DON’T!

In some ways it is possible to get a lot done, but, usually your relationships suffer severely.

Be realistic, plan ahead, set good rhythms in your home and implement systems to help you be efficient enough so you can spend the rest of your time building relationships, reading to your children, and teach your children valuable life lessons that will serve them all through their life and beyond.

Put your pride to death

Except help. It is not a weakness. It is prioritising what is more important to you. If possible get a dishwasher or hire help to clean or outsource doing laundry. This does not take away your responsibility, you are still steward of your home and in charge of the whole structure, atmosphere and rhythms of the home.

Efficiency, sometimes it is over-rated

Be present and do the one thing at hand WELL.

Slow down, so they can keep up.

Just physically look at yourself with your toddler in hand, walking. Are they struggling to keep up? Mentally it is the same. If we ever want them to be well rounded adults. Capable. Responsible. Trustworthy. Having endurance. We have to be their example and teach them at their level. Slowly increasing speed and difficulty, and before you know it, you have handyman or cook or gardener to work alongside you. Double the man-power! Just imagin.

Create memories, take photos!

What will your children remember about you, about your family time. Constant running around, chasing the clock, ‘getting things done’. Or community, relationships, love, experiences, learning skills together and growing as a family unit?

Fill your own live tank

Healthy relationships goes both ways. Giving and taking. It stems form friendship, fellowship and mutual love and respect. As mothers we invest for years before we can see the fruit of our labour. We have to get another means of filling ourself to be able to give for all that time. That is where faith comes in. No one and nothing can fill you up like faith and Jesus can. Second to that comes a healthy marriage, with good communication and partnership where you share the everyday load of raising children unto the Lord. Then a good and encouraging community and loving friends to mentor you when you need it.

We are the older woman of tomorrow

Take care to pray for and seek wisdom. We need to prepare ourselves to be there for the next generation. To counsel, share wisdom, encourage, be a good godly example teach the younger woman – how to love when they don’t feel like it.

Would you like more inspiration or encouragement?

You can find my recommended books to read for growth as a homemaker, wife and mother, here.

For further reading from wise woman I admire and go to for advise and encouragement.

M is for Mama

Raising Godly Tomatoes